Planning for the possibility of dementia or communication difficulties can be daunting, but it is a necessary step to ensure that your wishes are respected. According to research conducted by Columbia University, almost 10% of adults in the United States who are aged 65 and older have dementia, while an additional 22% have mild cognitive impairment.

It is always better to plan and not need it than to be caught unprepared. In my blog post, "5 Mistakes Adult Children Make and How to Avoid Them," I discuss essential information that every adult child should know and where to find it. Many adult children may hesitate to initiate this conversation for various reasons, such as fear of losing their parents or reluctance to discuss sensitive issues. I know I couldn’t discuss anything with my parents about their failing health or end-of-life issues. The thought of living without them was almost unbearable to me. Whenever my Mom would try to tell me about the crypts they purchased, I would burst into tears. Whether it is your children or someone else making important decisions, if you can’t, they will often second guess what you would want and constantly question whether they are doing the right thing. Take control of your life and take an unnecessary burden off your children. Here are some suggestions on what your loved ones need to know to make informed decisions. Please take the initiative yourself and make it easier on them. Don't wait for a crisis to plan; take control of your life and ease the burden on your children.

Key Takeaways

Having hard conversations with your adult children or loved ones.
Aging in Place and having a better chance of remaining at home.
Planning ahead by looking at potential living options.
The importance of decluttering/downsizing your possessions now.
Having important papers and your affairs in order.

Mistake # 1 Avoiding the Conversation

Why do we think if we avoid this critical conversation about how we want to live our remaining years, bad things won’t happen? You may be lucky, but what if you are part of the 15% population that ends up in nursing homes? I belong to a Facebook group that consists of adult children who are caregivers to their parents. Many of their parents can no longer communicate their wishes due to dementia, stroke, or other illness. I have also seen my clients’ children struggle emotionally when a parent can no longer communicate what they would want. Their stories are heartbreaking. Many of these adult children have learned the hard way how to make decisions they believe their parents would want, yet they continually question themselves, not knowing if they are doing the right thing. DON’T do that to your children,

As an aging parent, I understand that discussing housing and care options can be uncomfortable. Still, it is crucial to have these conversations with our adult children sooner rather than later. It’s a mistake to wait until a crisis occurs before bringing up these critical issues.

Studies have shown that many adult children believe they know what their aging parents want. Often they have never actually had a conversation about it, leading to confusion, stress, and uncertainty when a crisis arises.

We should take the initiative and start the conversation to avoid this mistake. Even though it may be uncomfortable, having these “what if” conversations now can save our children or loved ones and us a lot of stress and uncertainty in the future.

Delaying these discussions can have serious consequences. It’s better to plan and ensure that our wishes are known and respected rather than leave it to chance when our loved ones are emotionally distraught, or we cannot communicate our wishes.

Therefore, I urge my fellow aging parents to start having these conversations with their adult children now. The time to plan for the future is before it’s too late.

Mistake #2 Not Assessing our Homes so We can Age in Place if We Choose

As an aging parent, I’ve come to realize that not equipping our homes with appropriate features that allow us to age in place safely is a mistake many of us make. It is vital to assess our homes to determine whether your home is adaptable for aging or if it makes more sense to move into a home that has amenities more conducive to aging in place.

There are many accessibility products on the market today that can make it easier for us to navigate our homes safely as we age. Please read my blog Aging in Place, to learn more about aging in place.

Some questions to consider include the following:

Is there a 1st-floor bedroom or an accessible 1st-floor full bathroom?
Can we get into the rooms with a wheelchair or a walker down the road?
Are there grab bars?
Can we get in and out of the house without using the stairs?
Are there tripping hazards?

These are just a few questions to ask ourselves or find a Certified Aging-in-Place Specialist (CAPS), an Occupational Therapist (OT), or a Senior Move Manager (SMM) who will help assess your home. Do this while you are still healthy, have an income, and can take on some projects if you want to remain in your home.

It’s also important to remember that it’s not just physical challenges we may face as we age. We may have trouble remembering to take our medication or preparing or eating proper meals. Additionally, transportation and socialization can become more difficult as we age, especially if we’ve lost a spouse.

It is important to address these challenges as well. We may need to arrange for transportation or meal delivery services and make an effort to socialize with others to maintain our emotional and psychological well-being.

In summary, we should not make the mistake of neglecting to equip our home with appropriate features that allow us to age in place safely. By assessing our home and addressing any physical, cognitive, or social challenges we may face, we can increase our chances of being able to age in our home comfortably and safely or choose to move to a home that we can safely age in place.

Mistake # 3 Not Being Familiar with Senior Living Options

In our book called Downsizing Made Easy, the first step is to plan. To order this free book, click here. When I have done seminars on this topic, most people ignore it or think it is unimportant. Planning is one of the most important steps you can take to help your adult children and yourself should the unthinkable happen. Senior Living Communities are not your old nursing homes. Many are more like 5-star hotels. You can read more about these in my other blogs. PLEASE DON’T SKIP THIS PART. As an adult, haven’t you always chosen where you will live? Why not look at the options now?

Check out various senior living options while you are healthy and can get around.
Check what amenities they offer and what levels of care they serve.
When visiting, ask if you can stay for lunch or dinner to see how the food is
Choose one or two that you like, and let your loved ones know your choices
Either order the Free Downsizing Made Easy Book or write them down and keep them with your important papers.

Mistake #4 Not Downsizing Whether You Remain in Your Home or Decide to Move

Many of us have lived in our homes for 20+ years, and the bigger the house, the more items we accumulate. While you are physically able, you should start to downsize. Please don’t leave it to your children to clean out your house. If you think the children want your “stuff,” think again. Sure, they may want a few items, but most already have enough of their “stuff.”

Ask them what they would like and give it to them or write it down so that they will get those items.
Take time to go from room to room and discard broken items and trash (yes, we all have trash).
Donate any items you no longer use or have multiples of.
Have an estate sale or hire a company to do it for you.
Or hire a Senior Move Manager or professional organizer to help

Doing this now will help your children, who will have to complete this task if you cannot, and it will make your home safer and easier to manage should you stay in your home.

Mistake # 5 Not Having Your Affairs in Order

Are you one of the 60%, according to AARP, that has no estate planning in place? In addition to estate planning, here are some additional tips on what your children will need should you no longer be able to manage your affairs by yourself. Be sure to hire a qualified attorney. You can see more about this on my other blogs, including what questions to ask the attorney.

Do you have a will or a trust?
Do you have a durable POA if you can no longer manage your affairs?
Do you have a medical POA?
Have you made any final arrangements, such as a purchased gravesite, crypt, or preplanned funeral arrangements?
Do you have a list of all financial accounts, names, and phone numbers?
Do you know who to notify if you are retired and have company benefits such as life insurance or a pension?
Do you have stocks, bonds, rental property, or other investment accounts they need to know?
Do you have a lockbox?
- If yes, where is it located?
- Where is the key?
- What is the procedure to get to your lockbox?
Do you have a copy of your birth certificate and titles to automobiles, boats, etc.?
Do you own your house outright?
- If yes, do you have the property Deed?
  - When are property taxes due?
  - When is the homeowner insurance due?
- If not, who is the mortgage company, and what is the account number?
  - Is it automatically withdrawn each month, and when is the due date?
  - Is the insurance and taxes escrowed?
All Debt? Who is the debt with, and what are the account numbers?
What subscriptions, automatic withdrawals, and credit cards need to be canceled?

Documenting all of the above and having everything in one place will provide your adult children the authority (through the POA) and the tools they need to help you in case of serious illness. While they will still experience emotional grief that things have changed, they will be grateful that you were thoughtful enough to take this added stress off their plates.

Conclusion

This blog post emphasizes the importance of planning for the possibility of aging, dementia, or being unable to communicate one's wishes. It is better to prepare for the future and not need it than to not plan for it and need it. We have identified five common mistakes we make as we age. Should we not plan, we will create more work and emotional stress for our children, who are already emotional from our illnesses. Please do not create more work and emotional issues for your children. The five mistakes include avoiding the conversation, not assessing homes for aging in place, not being familiar with senior living options, not decluttering or downsizing possessions, and not having essential papers and affairs in order. This blog urges aging parents to take the initiative and start planning conversations with their adult children to avoid future confusion, stress, and uncertainty. By assessing their homes and addressing physical, cognitive, or social challenges, aging parents can increase their chances of aging in place comfortably and safely. You will be in control of your future life and allow your children to take care of you and enjoy your time together instead of the stress of trying to figure out what you would want. Your adult children will be forever grateful.